RSS

Dear Corner Neighbor

Dear Corner Neighbor,

It would seem that, in the absence of my former Upstairs Neighbor, you have taken on the mantle of “obnoxious neighbor.”  One of these days, you will figure out that not everyone likes Latin music.  Fewer still enjoy your vocal stylings.  Sadly, even when you take your karaoke show indoors, it can sometimes still be heard.  Along with the door slamming, and THAT shakes the whole building.

So, you know, sing softer.

Sincerely,

The Rest of Us

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on January 19, 2014 in Neighbors

 

Dear (NEW) Upstairs Neighbor

Dear (NEW) Upstairs Neighbor,

I like you.  You may stay.  In the six months since you’ve moved in, I have not once been rudely awakened at 3am, listened to a dog snore, or the vibration from some unbearable fan.  I can’t hear you talking, you are not drunk and disorderly, and you keep your media at manageable volume levels.

Also, you managed to share your name when I introduced myself.

Please stay forever.

Sincerely,

Me

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Dear Upstairs Neighbor

Dear Upstairs Neighbor,

I couldn’t help noticing – what with all the clangs and bangs, thuds and thunks – that you are moving out.  So, it is with great joy – and, admittedly, a small amount of trepidation – that I bid you adieu.  I will forever cherish the memories we shared of alarm clocks at ungodly hours (for equally ungodly lengths of time), your eclectic playlists, your dogs (running, barking AND – my favorite – snoring), and that interminable fan.  I will long remember our 3:30am conversation – I in my finest bathrobe – regarding your alarm clock which had been attempting to rouse you for 90 minutes (and had successfully roused me in about 30 seconds).

In the course of our time together, Upstairs Neighbor, you’ve learned how to be a marginally considerate human being and, in so doing, have robbed me of countless hours of comedic material.  I can forgive you for that – seeing as, in trade, I received many full nights’ sleep.  Now, however, it seems we must go our separate ways.

Hopefully, New Upstairs Neighbor will be slightly easier to deal with.

Sincerely,

Me

P.S.  You never did tell me your name – despite my introducing myself several times.  Rude…and yet…not shocking.

 
 

Tags: ,

Dear Upstairs Neighbor

Dear Upstairs Neighbor,

We have been over this. You were doing SO well….

Until today.

First there was the incessant iPhone marimba alarm. That was fun.

Followed, an hour later, by a rousing rendition of “Almost There” and “Dig A Little Deeper” from Disney’s animated feature, “The Princess and the Frog.” (At least it was music I don’t mind listening to, so thanks for that.)

Good news is, this little “concert” did NOT occur at 3am…it was a more respectable hour of 10am.

How about a compromise….swap out the alarm tone on your phone to something a little less annoying, and you can play all the Disney tunes you want. Shoot, I’ll even let you borrow my Newsies soundtrack…now THAT’S good tunes!

Sincerely,

Me

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 22, 2012 in Neighbors

 

Tags:

Dear New Corner Neighbor

Dear New Corner Neighbor,

It seems that you’ve discovered the limit of my patience. Apparently, my patience with loud neighbor noises ends at 3:28am (just ask Upstairs Neighbor). The good news is, you learn quick. All it took was one 3:30am visit from yours truly to get you to knock off the loud cell phone chatter at night.

So…you know…congrats.

It’s just a thought, but perhaps if your earphones weren’t blaring music loud enough that I can hear them from 10 feet away you wouldn’t be A) going deaf, and B) feeling the need to scream into a phone (heads up, the person on the other end can’t hear your tunes, so no need to holler like a banshee).

Either way, thanks for shutting up.

Sincerely,

Me

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 22, 2012 in Neighbors

 

Tags:

Dear Retail Establishments

Dear Retail Establishments,

I would like to take this opportunity to discuss watch batteries. Used to be, your battery died, you took your watch to a store, and they changed the battery. Simple. Easy. Done. NOT ANYMORE.

It started a while ago. A couple years ago, I took my dead watch to Walmart where I was informed that they no longer changed batteries for watches I didn’t purchase there. (P.S. The old ladies at Walmart were not very nice about this whole proposition.) Um…okay. Well, I bought my watch at Disney World, and they don’t have batteries…so…. In the end, I went to Sears.

Last time I needed a battery, I went to JCPenney. Took in three dead watches, walked out with three ticking watches. No problem. That brings me to today.

Today, I went to JCPenney with three dead watches. I was informed that they couldn’t change the battery. Apparently, they’ve been sending people to an actual jeweler…who is also turning people away. The nice lady told me how upset I’d be if they opened up the watch and couldn’t get it back together…because then it would be useless. I explained that, with a dead battery, it was useless NOW…so I wouldn’t be that upset.

Finally, I asked to just have the bloody tool so I could do it myself. The lady seemed somewhat dubious as to my endeavor…and a little surprised when I opened up all three watches…they gave me batteries (well, they HANDED me batteries…I still had to pay for them)…I put them in and closed up the watches. (Lady, I don’t need YOU…I need the necessary hardware. Clearly, you have underestimated me.)

So I guess what I really want to know is: Who the heck walked into a store with a dead, useless watch….and when someone made a mistake, and rendered an already useless watch…well….useless….got all angry. Whomever this person is has RUINED IT FOR EVERYONE and should be put in stocks downtown so we can throw rotten fruit at them.

And so, my dear Retail Establishments, perhaps you can have a waiver. Something for me to sign saying that my watch is useless, but if you’re willing to try and fix it…I won’t get angry if you mess up and make it “useless.” Especially since, if you DON’T fix it, it’s useless anyway.

Sincerely, Me

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 1, 2012 in Shopping

 

Tags:

Dear New Corner Neighbor

Dear New Corner Neighbor,

Hello. Welcome. You must be new. You moved into the little place formerly occupied by the folks who left their washer just outside the door covered in a blanket and used it as outdoor furniture. Classy joint you moved into. I’m so happy that you have managed to keep up the reputation.

I mean, truly. It is THE height of class to be speaking on the phone outside my bedroom. Loudly. In Spanish. At 11:49pm. Even more classy are the times you sing outside (also, it should be noted, en Español) at oh…you know…the oh-so-reasonable hour of 2:40am. I mean, I am SO BLESSED to have you live so nearby.

Allow me to enlighten you. Sound carries around here. The fact that you are roughly 15 feet from where I sleep means that it sounds like you are by my head. And, well, I don’t know you well enough to share such pillow talk. So, how about you try a novel, new concept – GO INSIDE.

Sit on your sofa…your bed…in the bathtub…on the toilet…I really don’t care. Just go inside your apartment…and close the door (the washer people liked to leave the door open…and the music on…but they learned). Even Upstairs Neighbor has it figured out pretty well. So…you will also learn. Which means only one thing: I will win, and you will be quiet.

Sincerely,

Me

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on August 26, 2012 in Neighbors

 

Tags:

 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 717 other followers